P. D. Clifton

Christmas nears. And, even though we’re all dyed in the wool atheists in our household, Lizzie’s and my talk turns to whether we should go to the local carol service. We have this conversation every year. And usually we don’t go. But this year, of all years, we feel like we could do with a…

On the subject of Lizzie’s baldness… here’s a description I wrote of the time I helped shave her hair off, back in October (i.e. before Lizzie got Covid and I ‘officially’ started writing this journal). It was just after Lizzie’s second chemo, when her hair suddenly started coming out in handfuls. There was nothing gradual…

My iPhone keeps on flashing up ‘Memories’ photos, which have a jarring rather than nostalgic effect. A couple of days ago, it flashed up a close-up of Lizzie – taken days before I helped shave off all of her hair, a month or so previously. In the photo, Lizzie’s hair goes down over her shoulders.…

‘I’ve given you the most important metric – never mind life-expectancy, never mind cancer outcomes – look at WAGE GROWTH!’ Lizzie has just shown me a clip of Boris Johnson saying the above. It was a couple of months ago, I think (I’m not sure how we managed to miss it at the time). Did…

Lizzie and I are lying in bed, unwinding after a long day. I decide now might be a good time to tell Lizzie my plan. My plan to write a journal. ‘I’ve been thinking about writing all of this down. You know, this weird year or two. Moving to the countryside. Covid. Lockdown. Everything else.…

Lizzie’s nearly recovered from her chemo and Covid (how come Covid is the one with the capital C, btw? Doesn’t chemotherapy – and, come to think of it, cancer – deserve one?). And so, at lunchtime, we decide to go on one of our usual daily walks – past the village church and down the…

The second week after the chemo is usually a turning point… when Lizzie, suddenly, dramatically, begins to feel better again (as the chemo ‘poison’ is flushed out. Until the next dose). In the second week, after chemo, Lizzie always starts to feel hopeful about life again. She’s going to beat this thing! You better fucking…

Despite the fact Lizzie was diagnosed with Covid a few days ago, her symptoms haven’t seemed… too bad. What might appear even more extraordinary about that, is she just had her fourth round of chemo a few days before her Covid diagnosis. Lizzie has chemo every three weeks, for her Stage 3C ovarian cancer. The…

‘My friend [NAME REDACTED!!] has just put a post on FaceBook,’ says Lizzie, ‘saying how sorry she feels for herself. She has… a cold.’ We both look at each other wryly, as we stand in the kitchen (socially distancing). We know [NAME REDACTED!!] is fully aware of Lizzie’s condition. She’s sent sympathetic messages. ‘Should I,’…

‘You’re very brave.’ When Lizzie first told me she had cancer, I think one of my automatic responses was to say ‘you’re very brave.’ I think lots of people said it to her. ‘You’re very brave.’ Eventually, this began driving Lizzie nuts. At one point, when I say ‘you’re very brave’, she replies ‘FUCK OFF!’…